Lost
by Carol3059
Summary: MA.Max noted the barely visible flinch at her words, the brittle smile, the dark circles under his eyes...Something horrible had happened
1. Chapter 1

Okay, so I know I haven't finished the sequel to Trust yet, but this idea sort of stuck with me, and I usually update pretty fast, so I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to get to both of them.

This chapter takes place right after Exposure. It's short but it's just my prologue. I'll get the next one out as soon as I can.

Don't own anything.

Max rode her bicycle through Seattle, not really looking at anything. The events of the last week kept playing over in her mind. She couldn't help but to worry about it.

The revelation of who White really was, the fact that she was somehow immune to their test. Whatever White was planning, and it had to be something big, of course. It was all leading up to something big and she wasn't sure what would happen.

It didn't seem right. Government agents she could deal with. She'd been dealing with those types for ten years, running from them, and Lydecker had been bad enough. She'd had people looking to kill her or lock her up for as long as she could remember, that was nothing new.

But now? Now she had some psycho breeding cult after her. It was a little surreal, and she had to admit it sounded like the plot of some bad sci-fi movie. Then again her whole life was like that.

Max glanced to the side of the street and braked abruptly, staring. Surprise went through her and she sat there, frozen for several seconds. She blinked a few times, like maybe she could make the figure disappear. When he turned slightly and she caught sight of the messy dark blonde hair, she knew that it was him.

Before she knew what she was doing, she had dropped her bike and was making her way towards him. He hadn't noticed her, she guessed, because he kept his pace and didn't turn towards her until she reached him and grabbed a hold of his arm.

"Alec?" She heard him groan slightly before he turned to her, dark green eyes meeting her own.

"Hey, Max."

--

When she'd told him to leave, she'd meant it. It wasn't until he really had disappeared that she realized that she hadn't been expecting him to listen to her. He never had before, and despite the fact that she hadn't known him for very long, she was sure he wouldn't start then.

She had thought that there was something good about him after all, after he had helped her escape from White and get that group of kids away from him. And then she'd thought she'd been wrong after he'd cost her the chance at the cure.

The thing was she'd seen the real remorse in his eyes when he'd walked out of that place after she'd saved his life at the cost of the cure. Then he'd disappeared through the door and she'd never seen him again.

The next few months had been interesting to say the least. She'd met many more Manticore escapees. She'd found, and lost Zack again. She'd through way to many 'I can't see you anymores' with Logan.

Through it all, she couldn't explain or help the small pang of disappointment that Alec had listened to her this time and stayed gone. She wasn't sure why she felt it, but after a while with everything that had been going on, he'd been pushed to the back of her mind.

When she'd met Brain, though, he'd been brought to the forefront again. She'd mentioned Alec when they started talking for some reason, and he'd frowned, saying that he _should _have been there.

Max had frowned herself and changed the subject. She didn't like thinking about Alec, especially since she probably wouldn't ever see him again. He had left, just like she'd told him to.

She really did not like the feeling that welled in her stomach when she thought about how she didn't even know if he was alive or not. It was strange, and once again she couldn't explain it, and didn't even want to try and analyze it.

She had hated him, but at the same time there was something about him that got to her like nobody had in a while. It was the same something that made her want to break his nose whenever she saw him.

In the end, she really tried to not think about Alec. He confused he hell out of her, had since he'd walked into her cell back at Manticore.

--

"Your back." Max said now, dropping her arm and staring at him.

"Yeah." He said, crossing his arms across his chest. She frowned, taking him in. He looked a little ragged to tell the truth.

"Where the hell have you been?" Alec shrugged, his face unreadable.

"Does it matter?" She sighed.

"Why are you back then?"

"Careful, Max," he said, his voice slightly dull, "people might start thinking you care."

"About you? _Right._" The words left her mouth of their own volition and she almost stopped in shock again. Her frown deepened. Something was wrong. Max noted the barely visible flinch at her words, the way the very small smile on his face was slightly brittle, the dark circles under his eyes, the slightly slumped set of his shoulders.

"Alec, what happened? Why are you back?" Alec sighed and his shoulders slumped further.

"I don't know." He said. He sounded incredibly tired and almost defeated. He ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up even more. "I just..." He trailed off, biting his lip. Max felt herself softening at the sight of him. He looked...lost, and almost broken.

"Come on." Max said, reaching out and taking his hands. Unease settled in her gut as she led him back to her place. He didn't say anything as they walked. When they got there, she pushed him down on the couch and after a minute, he rested his head back against it and closed his eyes.

"Alec." She nearly stepped back when he looked up at her with hollow eyes.

"You were right before, Max." He said quietly. "You should have just let my head explode."


	2. Chapter 2

Max stood frozen for several seconds, not sure how to respond to that. The tone of his voice was wrong. The words were wrong. She hadn't known Alec long before he'd disappeared from her life, but she still never thought she would hear him sounding so defeated. She so lost in thought, staring at him that she jumped when her beeper went off.

"Damn." She muttered, looking down at it. "I gotta go back to work for a little bit. Left my bike there..." Alec waved a hand, his eyes closed again. She hesitated, spotting the small bag he'd brought with him.

"I'll find you some clothes or something so you can take a shower." She started towards the door but stopped again before she went out, looking back at him. She didn't know what she could say or do at the moment though.

--

Alec stared up at the ceiling of Max's apartment, completely still. Even though he was slightly uncomfortable lying on his back like that, it felt good to just be still for a moment. He hadn't had to opportunity for a while now.

His eyes drifted closed after a minute, but he snapped them open again when _those_ images drifted in again. For a few seconds, he fought to put _that _out of his mind, to clear it.

He was more exhausted than he'd ever been in his life, counting when he'd been put through reindoctrination back at Manticore and they hadn't let him sleep in between the beatings.

He couldn't sleep, though. Hadn't really slept a full night in months. Every time he closed his eyes, he was back. He wondered idly how long he could go without sleep before going completely nuts. Then again, he was pretty sure he was already half way there.

Alec groaned when he heard someone knocking on the door. He still lay there for a minute, unmoving. Rolling his eyes with a sigh he levered himself off the couch when whoever it was did not go away. Ignoring the twinge of pain that passed over his ribs at the movement, he made his way to the door and opened it.

"Logan." His voice came out just as dull and lifeless as it had with Max. He stood there for several seconds, staring at Logan before turning and walking back to the couch to lie down again.

"I thought you left!" Logan said after a long delay.

"I did." Alec said flatly, rolling his eyes before going back to staring at the ceiling. Surely the guy had noticed his absence over the past months.

"Where's Max?" And Alec might have been angry at the suspicious tone that came to Logan's voice. Might have been, if he gave a rat's ass at the moment what Logan thought.

"Not here." He heard Logan let out an exasperated breath and sit down in the chair opposite the couch he was lying on.

"Why are you back, Alec?" Logan asked after a moment. "Didn't Max tell you to leave for good? Haven't you screwed up her life enough?" Alec's eyes snapped to his and he propped himself up on one elbow so he could look the man in the eyes.

"Look, Max isn't here. Now, you can wait for her to get back, which I'm sure will be soon, or you can get the hell out and catch her later. I really don't give a damn either way, but could you _please_ shut the hell up. I've got a massive headache and I really don't feel like talking right now." Logan was quiet after that, at least for a minute and Alec went back to staring at the ceiling.

"Do you even feel guilty about what you did?" Logan asked after a minute. Alec let out a harsh laugh at that.

"You have no idea." Truth was, he wasn't entirely sure why he had come back here. It wasn't like he and Max had been friends before he'd let. In fact, she'd pretty much said she hated him. She'd had the right to.

He just _couldn't _do it alone anymore. That was something he would have hated to admit before. Before he'd left Seattle. Before he'd left Max. Before...everything that had happened after that.

As _insane _as it sounded Max was the only connection he had to anything _sane_. Something drew him to her and he hadn't planned on staying away, at least not at first. Plans change, though, and he'd ended up walking through hell before finding his way back here.

--

Max stopped short after opening the door at the sight of Logan there, sitting across from Alec, who was lying on her couch and staring up at the ceiling. He seemed to be completely ignoring Logan.

"Hey, Max." Alec said, his tone the same flat, dead one he'd used before. He didn't look away from the ceiling. Logan turned to her and stood up.

"Hey." He smiled at her.

"Hey." She chewed her lip a little, feeling a little uncomfortable with both of them there in the same room like this. After a moment, she walked over to the couch and stood over Alec in his line of sight.

"Brought you some clothes." She held up a bag. He stared at her for a moment before sitting up and taking it. For a moment he didn't say anything, just stared down at it.

"Thanks." He said quietly and stood abruptly, heading towards the bathroom without another word. Max watched him go before running a hand through her hair and dropping down on the couch with a sigh.

"Max, what's going on?" Logan asked, sitting down again. "Why is he back? " Max looked over at him and shrugged, biting her lip.

"Not really sure about that, actually. Something's wrong..." She trailed off, looking towards the bathroom. After a minute, she heard her shower start up. She didn't have any hot water at the moment, but she figured that a cold shower was better than nothing.

"Your letting him stay here." It wasn't really a question.

"What am I supposed to do, Logan? You really think he would have come here with me if he had anywhere else to go?" Logan's eyes softened some at that.

"What do you think happened to him?" Logan frowned. Max simply shrugged. She didn't want to discuss this anymore with Logan. The feeling that it was wrong was settling in on her.

"Look, can we talk later?" She said after a moment. "He's probably going to want to sleep, and I still need to talk to OC about this..."

"Sure." Logan nodded, standing up. "I'll see you later?" Max smiled a little.

"Yeah."

--

Alec carefully pulled the sweatshirt over his head. He glanced down, taking in the half healed scars and bruises that ran across his chest. There were more on his back, worse ones than these, he knew.

The bruises were just a product of the broken ribs that were healing pretty fast, just like everything else. In a couple weeks, they'd all be gone. No scars, no bruises or cuts. No evidence of what had happened. At least not on the outside.

He opened the bag and looked in at the clothes that Max had gotten him, almost actually smiling when he caught sight of the style. The type of clothes he'd worn in the brief time he'd known her after she'd burned Manticore to the ground.

Setting them aside on the sink, he turned to the shower and started it before stripping off his pants. There were scars on his knuckles too that would disappear soon.

He clenched his fist as images from before assaulted him and he stepped under the cold water, trying desperately to push the images out of his head, focusing on the cold instead.

He stood there under the water until he was sure that his lips were blue.

--

Alec took so long in there that Max was seriously starting to get worried that he'd slipped or something. When he finally came out, he stopped in the door and swayed a little on his feet.

"You need to sleep." She said, pushing him easily down on the couch when he came closer to it.

"Yeah." He said, but made no move to lie down. She sighed and moved to sit on the table next to the couch. Gently, she pushed him down.

"Go to sleep, Alec." She ordered in an exasperated tone. After a few minutes his eyes did close, but a frown stayed on his face.

"Don't wanna sleep, Maxie." He said, his voice slightly slurred and heavy. "They'll take me back." Max didn't say anything. Without thinking, she did reach out and brushed some of his too long hair out of his eyes, watching as his breathing evened out and he finally did go to sleep.

--

Max wasn't sure how long she watched him sleep. Those confusing feelings that she'd managed to mostly bury while he was away were back, along with worry.

She never thought that she'd ever be so worried and confused over him a year ago. It was _Alec. _The guy who had irritated her to no end while she was back at Manticore. The guy who had cost her one shot at the cure. The guy who had nearly killed both her and Joshua to save his own ass.

She realized one thing, though. Seeing him like this was scary. Terrifying even. This was a guy who had spent most of his life locked up inside of Manticore. That place was bad enough when you were a kid. From what she'd learned over the past year from the other Manticore escapees she'd met, it only got worse after that.

What she'd learned from Brain. From Mia. What they'd done to Zack. It was all examples of how bad it did get there.

Alec was someone who had survived twenty years in that place. And maybe he hadn't survived unscathed. She didn't know, she hadn't gotten a chance to really get to know him before he'd left, but she was pretty sure it was impossible.

Even if he was damaged by it, though, he wasn't broken. She'd seen that too. He'd managed to make it somehow. So, what the hell could possibly do this to someone who had survived their whole life inside Manticore without breaking?


	3. Chapter 3

"I don't know if this is such a good idea." Alec said, crossing his arms a little and looking extremely uncomfortable. Max frowned at him. She'd ended up staying up last night. It seemed to her that he just had one nightmare after another.

"If you don't want to go, it's fine. You can stay here." Alec chewed his lip for a moment, playing with the cuffs on his jacket nervously. When he met her gaze, several different emotions passed over his eyes before they set in determination.

"No, I'll go, I guess." He nodded, more to himself. "Yeah, let's go."

"Okay." He didn't seem too thrilled about it. He hadn't been this uncomfortable around Logan the night before; Alec had just ignored him basically. Then again, Logan was just one person. Thinking of Alec as shy around crowds was even more weird than seeing him looking so lost and defeated when she'd first found him on the street.

--

Alec stayed close to her as they made their way through Terminal City. He was getting more and more agitated as they got closer to the place they had set up as command and Max was beginning to think she should have just made him stay at her apartment.

She had thought that maybe being here would do him some good. That it would take his mind off whatever had happened to him. This place was filled with Transgenics and she had the thought that maybe he'd be more comfortable around them.

"Hey, Max." Mole said, walking over. "Who's the pretty boy?" Max looked back at Alec and hesitated. If she hadn't been looking for anything, she might not have known something was wrong.

Alec's face didn't really show much, but his whole body was tense and he had his hands stuffed in his pockets. He was watching Mole. Mole didn't seem to notice, but Max saw the look in his eyes. She'd seen that look in people's eyes outside before when Mole threatened them.

"Alec, he's X-5." She said, frowning in confusion at Alec's reaction to Mole.

"Our very own toxic paradise." Dix spoke up from the other side of the room. Alec nearly jumped out of his skin when a large hand came down on his shoulder and he turned abruptly to stare at Joshua.

Max's frown deepened when he stepped slightly closer to Max and she picked up the fact that he was breathing a little faster than normal.

"What's your problem, pretty boy?" Mole asked now, watching Alec. Alec's eyes snapped to his.

"Don't call me that." He said in a low voice, almost a growl.

"Alec." Max reached out to touch his arm, but he jerked back, and looked around the room.

"I think I'm going to go." He said abruptly and then forced a smile on his face. "Nice to meet you." He started towards the door as quickly as he could without running.

"Sorry." Max said to Joshua before following Alec out the door. When she got out, though, he was already gone. She figured he must have blurred away and she sighed worriedly, hoping that he wasn't planning on leaving the city again.

"Everything alright?" Joshua asked from behind her. Max turned to him, and shook her head.

"I don't think so." Alec had met Joshua before, talked to him. Sure the last time Alec had seen Joshua they hadn't been only friendly terms but it still shouldn't have caused that reaction.

--

Alec ran until he couldn't anymore, until his still healing injuries started to protest and he had to stop, bending at the waist for a moment before straitening back up and wrapping one arm around his aching ribs.

He shouldn't have freaked out like that. Max had told him there would be transhumans there. He'd thought he could handle it, but when he'd caught sight of Mole and all of the other ones, he'd been immediately forced back to that place.

Alec looked around the street. He didn't want to be here. He needed get off the street, away from all these people and some place where Max wouldn't find him.

He didn't want to leave the city, couldn't bring himself too. As much as he didn't like the idea of ever stepping foot in Terminal City again, he couldn't be out there anymore driving from place to place like that alone.

He looked up, and his eyes caught on a place that he could go.

--

Max sat down in her empty apartment and sighed, running a frustrated hand through her hair. Alec hadn't come back here which meant he didn't want to talk to her. She just hoped that he hadn't left Seattle yet.

It had been a stupid idea, bringing him to Terminal City. She hadn't thought he'd react like that. He'd been around Joshua before. Hell, he'd been inside Manticore long enough to probably come across everything they had created.

He hid it better than the people in the city, but his reaction had been basically the same as theirs. Only, she couldn't help but to think it was even stronger.

--

Alec sat with his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around them, staring out at the city. He watched the people down below without really seeing them.

He couldn't get his mind off it. He just kept picturing that room. The voices floated in his head, some of them not quite human. He clenched his hands together and tried to get rid of them.

He was being stupid. He'd met Joshua before, talked to him. Max knew all of them too. It wasn't like they were the same. He just could not help it, though. As soon as he'd walked into Terminal City, he'd been pushed back there.

He had almost lost it. Almost hyperventilated in front of everyone. He did not like that feeling. He couldn't even take being in a room with Joshua anymore.

"So, I guess we think alike sometimes after all." Alec gave a start and looked over at Max. Damn, he was really losing it. That was the second time that day that he hadn't noticed someone coming up beside him.

"What do you mean?" He turned back to the city but saw Max sit down beside him out of the corner of his eye.

"I come up here all the time. It's a good place if you want to be alone, to think." He nodded, but didn't say anything. Didn't point out that he had come up here to be alone even if he didn't want to _think_.

"Alec, you know you can tell me what's wrong." She said after a minute of silence. Alec shook his head and looked over at her.

"No, I don't think I can, Max." He looked away from her before he could see her reaction to that.

"Are you going to leave?"

"Are you going to let me stay?" He was having doubts that she would after what just happened.

"You can stay as long as you need to." She said quietly. "You came here for my help, right? I mean, that has to be it. And, I admit, I'm usually not so good at this kind of thing, but if you want to talk about it, I can try."

"Could you just...give back off on it, Max? At least for a little while." He asked, looking over at her. She nodded.

"Sure."

--

Alec lay on the couch in Max's apartment, trying not to go to sleep. He'd had some sleep the night before and he couldn't help but to think that Max had something to do with that, but he had still had nightmares.

He always had them, though, and sometimes he would wake up and feel like he hadn't slept at all. He usually only did sleep when he had pushed himself to the point of passing out.

He did not want to go to sleep this night. After what had happened at Terminal City, he knew which nightmare he would be having.

Every time he closed his eyes, he would see that tiny room with no windows and the low, growling, not quite human voices around him.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm sorry that I haven't updated for a while. I got vacation from work and have been gone.

Alec was restless. He hadn't slept much the night before, but that wasn't unusual lately. Max had gone to work and left him alone in her apartment. He didn't like being alone here. It felt too closed off.

He didn't like admitting it, he was a trained soldier after all, but he had developed a serious case of claustrophobia after everything that had happened. It was a stupid, irrational fear that he couldn't help.

It shouldn't be a problem either, not here. It wasn't like Max's apartment was a closet, and the door was right there, but he still found himself bouncing his leg restlessly and wanting to just _get the hell out_.

He had developed a lot of irrational fears lately, though. Fears that probably would have gotten him put down if he were still inside Manticore. Fears that had him barely sleeping at all during the night.

He couldn't bring himself to say it out loud, to tell Max what had happened. He knew she would want him too. He knew that she would be able to drag it out of him; he just couldn't do it yet.

He still couldn't quit believe that she was willing to help him, but he was beyond that at this point. He just couldn't be alone anymore and she wasn't the first person that popped into his head, she was the only person.

He chewed his lip and glanced at the door again. Max wouldn't be home for hours and he couldn't just sit there all day, waiting on her to come back. He just couldn't do it. Even if he was alone outside, at least it was an open space.

Getting up, he put on the jacket that Max had bought him. He paused only to leave a short note just in case Max came back before he did. He didn't want her worrying and going tearing through the city again.

He would just go for a walk; it had to be better than sitting there alone for hours on end. It gave him way too much time to think, to remember. Maybe he could find a distraction in the city.

--

Max sighed as she sat on the bench in-between the lockers. She was worried about leaving Alec alone for so long. He had barely spoken to her, and refused to tell her why he had freaked out while they had been in TC.

"Hey, boo." Max looked up and offered a smile as Original Cindy sat down next to her.

"Hey."

"How's your boy doin'?" Max shrugged.

"Not great. Hopefully better soon. I just wish he would talk to me."

"Well, I got your back." OC said. Max gave her a guilty look. OC had been staying at another of her friends places while Alec was at theirs.

"I don't want to kick you out."

"Don't worry bout it, Max." OC waved it off. Max smiled at her gratefully, but her smile slipped just as fast.

"He barely talks to me, OC." Max said, sighing. "I don't know how to help him if I don't know what happened. Hell, even if I did know what happened. I mean, this is a guy who survived Manticore."

"He'll tell you when he's ready. Sides, he wouldn't have come to you if he didn't think you could help, right?"

"Hopefully." Her attention was caught a second later, though by the noise coming from the other room, where the TV was. Getting up, Max rounded the corner and stopped dead at the news report that was playing.

--

Alec walked slowly through the city. While walking was helping with the claustrophobic feeling it wasn't doing much good at distracting him. He did try to focus on the city around him, on what was going on, but his thoughts always seemed to drift back.

He didn't really notice how far away from Max's apartment he had gotten. He took in the city, trying desperately to banish thoughts of his past. He was actually glad he was here. Despite the fact he hadn't spent much time here before, it sort of felt like home to him.

Maybe it was because he was trying to distract himself and for once he wasn't lost in thought, but he noticed it when someone started following him. He turned slightly to see behind him and the sector cops were not hard to make out.

For a second he thought maybe he was being paranoid, but then he noticed that there were several more on the opposite side of the street, heading his way. Cursing slightly, Alec turned down a side alley, but not before catching his face plastered over a news report on the TV sitting in the window of a shop he passed.

--

Max cursed, pushing her bike faster. How the hell had they found out about Alec? It had to of been White. Somehow he had found out and sent the entire city after him. Max hoped that she could catch up to him before the familiars did. She could take the sector cops; she wasn't too sure about White and his psychos.

Of course, it wouldn't matter if she didn't get there in time. Even the sector cops, if there was enough of them could take Alec down. Maybe one of Alec's men had spotted him in the city? White had seen Alec's face, after all.

As she got closer to the place that they had said Alec was seen last, she picked up a scream with her advanced hearing, one filled with a lot of pain. She stopped her bike and ran from it, her heart beating wildly, terrified that she had been too late.

--

He was trapped. The alley was a dead-end and there were five sector cops closing in on him. His breathing picked up as he backed into the wall, staring at them. He couldn't do it. Couldn't be trapped again.

One of them stepped closer, raising his gun. It was really all it took. A wild thought hit him that they were here to take him back, and Alec snapped.

--

When Max reached the opening of the alley, she stopped short in shock. Out of all the things she expected to see, this was not it and it froze her for a moment as she stared at the scene.

Three of the five sector cops were already on the ground, bleeding from some point on their body. Alec was in the center of it all. He was moving so fast that even she could barely see him.

As she watched he took out another of them before turning to the last one. He got a shot off and Max was sure that Alec got hit there, but he didn't seem to notice. He grabbed the man's gun arm, and twisted it back until Max heard the snap of bone.

The noise brought her out of her shock and Max raced over. She was suddenly afraid that Alec would kill the man if she didn't stop him. She grabbed a hold of the back of his jacket and spun him around, slamming him into the wall.

He blinked at her, coming back to himself. His face paled when he looked around and she wondered if he was going to be sick. Max watched him for a moment, still a little shocked, before what was happening caught up with her.

"We have to go." She reached out and grabbed his arm, dragging him out of the alley.

--

Max got out her first aid kit and slowly walked back into her living room. She sat on the table in front of the couch where Alec was sitting, starring at his bloodied hands. He had been hit in the shoulder by the last bullet.

She reached out and gently put her hand over his. He didn't look up at her, still staring at their hands now.

"I killed them, Max." He said quietly.

"No, you hurt them; you didn't kill them, Alec." She said just as quietly. She didn't voice the thought that she had thought he might have if she hadn't stopped him. "I need to look at your shoulder."

"No, you don't understand." Alec squeezed her hand tightly and looked up in her eyes, his tortured. "I killed them all." And Max got it then.

"You mean the ones that hurt you? Before?" Alec nodded.

"I killed all of them." He repeated. Max squeezed his hand back.

"It's gonna be alright, Alec." Because, damn, what else could she say?

"No, I don't think it will be."


	5. Chapter 5

I am so sorry about this. Some things have been happening...and I haven't been able to write for some time. I know it's been five months since I've written on my stories. I just recently got the motivation back and I've got most of the next couple of chapters written for this story if anyone still wants to read this, that is. I'm very sorry again.

Instead of helping, Max was starting to wonder whether or not staying with her was making things worse for Alec. It was too dangerous now for him to leave her apartment, when the entire city had seen his face on the news.

Max wasn't sure how that had happened. Somehow, White had found a way to pick them out of the crowd. A X-6 had been killed recently because of it as well. Alec couldn't go to Terminal City so he had to stay in her apartment.

She had found out that he was a little bit on the claustrophobic side and that he didn't like staying cooped up there, but she didn't see any other options, short of him leaving the city completely.

She did not like that option, didn't like the thought of him going through this alone, whatever this was. It was frustrating to say the least. He hadn't said a word about it after he had revealed that little bit.

What he had revealed was disturbing, and she couldn't help it when her mind flashed back to Ben. This was different, she knew that much, though. The look in Alec's eyes was completely different.

Ben had been psychotic, he hadn't felt guilty about what he was doing, not really. He had thought he was doing his job, what they had trained him for. He had thought he was in the right. He had liked the hunt.

Alec's eyes, on the other hand, did hold guilt. They held so much regret and pain, and while Max didn't like it, she thought that maybe it was a good sign. She hadn't been able to save Ben because he didn't think what he was dong was wrong. Maybe, she could save Alec because he knew it was wrong.

On the second day after Alec had been exposed, Max got another shock that had her thinking that maybe she was wrong about that. She had accidentally walked in on Alec while he was in the bathroom. He had been shirtless at the time, about to take a shower. Max had froze, and then mumbled a sorry before walking out.

Before she had gotten out of there, though, she had seen the almost healed scars on Alec's back. They were awful and at one time, obviously deep. Max had sat on her bed for what seemed like hours after that, her emotions swinging back and forth between rage and concern.

It was obvious that Alec had been severely beaten, and a lot more than once from the looks of it. The wounds on his back were horrifying because of the simple fact that they were still there.

Max had seen worse herself, but Alec was X-5. The fact that they hadn't completely healed over yet told how bad they had been and for the first time she wondered if the monsters who would do that to someone deserved to die.

Still, it wasn't enough. A few beatings, no matter how severe couldn't be enough to break Alec, she was sure and she shuddered as her imagination conjured up what else could have been done to him.

From what Max had learned from Alec and from others who had escaped from Manticore, she was pretty sure that Alec had been put through reindoctrination at least twice. Once, when he was only a child after her unit had escaped and once when Ben had lost it.

She knew herself the methods that Manticore used to bring their soldiers back into the fold, and she knew that Alec had spent a hell of a lot more time going through that than she had. He had said himself that he had spent six months in psy-ops after Ben had started killing people.

So, she still had the question of what else had happened to him and she was getting nowhere.

--------------

"Hey." Max said, walking into Logan's apartment. When he met her gaze, he did look a little surprised to see her there.

"Hey, you haven't been around for a while." She shrugged.

"I don't like the idea of leaving Alec alone for too long right now." Logan nodded and she saw something flash in his eyes.

"Max, you can't stay with him twenty four hours a day." Max nodded herself, collapsing on Logan's couch across from him.

"I know, but I can help him, I know I can. That is, if I can keep him from running out and getting himself killed." She frowned for a moment. "I've been thinking about it...maybe the city isn't the best place for him."

"What do you mean?" That look was back in his eyes but Max ignored it, didn't want to decipher what it meant.

"Well, I could maybe get a few days off work. I never did get to go on that road trip I'd been planning. Maybe it would help him, getting away from the city for a few days, see something besides buildings, be out so we wouldn't have to worry so much about White, at least for a couple of days." "You want to go on a road trip alone with Alec." Logan's voice didn't convey his feelings on this, but she could see in his eyes that he didn't really like the idea. "Why?" "Like I just said, maybe it would help him, maybe he'll talk to me if we're not cooped up in my apartment all the time." Logan shook his head, frowning a little at her.

"Why?" He repeated. "Why are you trying so hard to help him?"

"Why wouldn't I help him?" She crossed her arms. "Why are you so against it?" "I'm not against you helping him, I'm just wondering why you're so determined to help. He's not your brother like Zach was. In fact, you hated him before he disappeared."

"I didn't hate him." She protested, and then she shook her head. "Well, I guess I kind of did for a little while. I mean, I thought I did." She hesitated for a moment. She hadn't hated Alec for a while now.

She had stopped hating him before he had come back, and she knew that she wasn't just helping him out of pity or because he was transgenic like her. It was more than that.

She supposed that if he'd never left, if he'd stayed she would never have noticed, that she would have gone on hating him but he had left and for some reason that changed everything.

She had not expected miss him. She had only known him for a short time before he had disappeared and in that short time he had managed to do some damage to her life. In fact she had told him that she pretty much hated him just before he had disappeared.

She'd had almost a year to think about now, though, and she realized that she no longer blamed him for what went on back then, for what he'd done. Her anger towards him had completely faded.

She had spent some time with the transgenics who had spent the amount of time inside Manticore that Alec had. That had given her some perspective on the things he would have gone through there. The things she'd learned and the vision she used to have of Alec didn't fit well together.

_"493...Your fellow traitor. Went psycho." _

_"What do you know about it?" _

_"I know that because of him I had to spend six months in psy-ops. They wanted to make sure it wasn't genetic."_

It was so casual, the way he'd said it back then. Six months of torture and he'd acted like he was talking about the weather. She had only focused on his words, not the meaning behind them. She'd only focused on the insult to Ben and on the fact that he looked so much like her brother that it hurt.

After meeting Sam, for the first time she felt real guilt for escaping and leaving them all behind. When Sam had confessed that she had spent months in psy-ops because of Max when she was only a child the thought had come to her that Alec would have been there too, because Ben escaped with them too.

Despite the fact that she had only been a kid, that the escape wasn't planned, that she didn't know what would happen because of it, she still felt the guilt. Alec coming back in this condition only made it worse.

For some incomprehensible reason she'd felt guilty when Alec had stayed away when she'd told him to. In the months that followed, she had frequent flashes of his eyes the last time she had seen him. She seen the pain there and the real, guanine remorse for what he'd done. For hurting her.

She couldn't hate him. She'd seen the way that the other transgenics worked, and she'd gone over every conversation she'd had with Alec too many times. She'd realized something, something she wouldn't have if he'd decided to stay, purposefully annoying her with his smart ass remarks and reckless actions.

It simply hadn't been in his nature to ask for help. He'd spent twenty years inside Manticore with only one objective: following their orders. He was a soldier who had never in his life had anyone that he could truly count on. Manticore would either torture him or simply put him down if he stepped out of line.

She had been more than angry at him for being so reckless. And it had been beyond reckless. Cage fighting...it was like he had been begging White to find him. She'd been angry that he hadn't simply told her the truth in the first place when he had found her.

Still...she'd had a great deal of time to think about it and she understood why he hadn't come to her, why he felt the need to handle the situation on his own. It wasn't in his nature to ask for help, to trust someone with his life like that.

She was grateful that that fact seem to have changed somewhat. Even if he hadn't had anywhere else to go, anyone else to go to, he was still trusting her with his life now, trusting her to make it better.

That boy that had walked into her cell and casually mentioned the torture he had endured there, the one that she had named, the smart aleck was no longer there. She did see brief glimpses of that guy, but they were fleeting.

An unexpected wave of pain hit her at the thought that she might never see that guy again, that he might stay broken forever. The fact that she had told him to leave and he'd ended up hurt made her feel even more guilty, though she wasn't the one who had done those things to him.

She wanted to help him. She hoped that he would get better but the realization that even if he didn't, she would never tell him to leave again was a startling one. In fact the thought of leaving him or letting him leave on his own was painful. She couldn't help but to think that it was more than simply guilt behind that as well.

--------------------

"You want to leave?" Alec asked, frowning at her. He was standing at the foot of her bed, watching her as she packed a small bag. She shrugged.

"Why not? We can get out of the city for a few days. I've been wanting to do that for a while but other things have interfered." Alec stared at her for a moment and crossed his arms. A sudden wave of guilt hit him.

"You don't have to do this." He said quietly. He had come back, hoping to see her but he hadn't expected her to care. He hadn't expected her to worry about him the way he knew that she was. Max looked up at him and rolled her eyes.

"Do what? I want to get out of town for a little bit. Do you want to stay here without me?" He looked down. He didn't answer but he didn't have to. She knew already. He couldn't stay behind without her. He was fairly certain that he needed her, that she was the only reason he was managing to stay sane.

"You comin'?" Max asked, shouldering her bag and starting past him. He stared after her a moment before following. It wasn't really a question.

-------------------

"Thanks." Max said, picking up the sector pass from where Logan had laid it on the desk. Alec was waiting for her outside. "Thanks for this and the place to stay."

"Not a problem." He said after a moment even though she knew that it was a problem. Max knew that he hated this. She knew how much Logan hated Alec, how much he still hated Alec. Max had let go of her anger towards Alec but Logan hadn't. He didn't understand why she wanted to help Alec so badly. Oh, he was a good enough man that she doubted he would have left Alec to fend for himself but he didn't understand why she was going to such extremes.

"I'm sorry." She said it suddenly and then frowned while she stared into his eyes. She wasn't sure why she was apologizing. It wasn't like she was doing anything wrong. Logan smiled a little bit.

"It's okay." For a moment, she wished she could reach over and hug him goodbye but she settled for a wave as she rushed out of his place, already anxious about leaving Alec alone outside for this long.

------------------

Logan had gotten a rental for her to drive so she wouldn't have to use her motorcycle. She had wanted someplace small. Some place secluded out in the country maybe and Logan had found her a place. Some tiny cabin out in the middle of nowhere where they wouldn't have to worry about running into anyone for a while.

Alec fell asleep in the passenger seat on the way there, something she was grateful for. He still hadn't been sleeping well. She hoped that this worked, that it wasn't a mistake. It was only for a little while. Hopefully it would help him to be here.

When Alec started mumbling in his sleep she reached over without even thinking about it and took his hand in hers, letting him know she was there.


	6. Chapter 6

Alec sat on the small porch and stared out at the countryside. The place really was beautiful. He knew why they were there. Max was hoping this place would help. He had to admit that he did like it here better than the city. It at least felt less claustrophobic and suffocating than the city.

He still couldn't tell her. He needed to work this out, he just couldn't seem to. He couldn't do it like he had before. He wasn't even sure now how he had before, how he'd survived and come out as the guy who Max met a year ago in that cell.

He couldn't leave her, though. He knew that for some reason the nightmares were less horrible, less potent when she was around. He knew that he needed her. He'd never truly needed anyone like he needed her now.

---------------

"Hey." Alec looked up when Max came outside and sat down next to him on the top step. He smiled at her but like always it didn't reach his eyes.

"Hey." She sat close to him, close enough that he could reach out if he wanted but still have space if he needed it. They sat in silence for a little while. They did that a lot lately. Sometimes Max wondered when Alec had taught her how to be patient. That was definitely a new trait for her.

"I'm sorry." Alec said suddenly. Max looked over at him but he didn't meet her gaze. She frowned.

"For what?" He chewed his lip for a moment.

"For what happened with White...and that doctor." Max shrugged and waved a hand.

"I got over that a long time ago." He still didn't look over at her and she sighed. He shouldn't be worrying about this now. Reaching out hesitantly, she put a hand on his knee. "Alec, it's fine."

"I was afraid," he said after a moment, frowning. "When White caught me, I was afraid to die."

"You don't need to explain yourself, Alec. I get it, alright? I haven't been angry at you over that for a long time."

"That's not the point." He said, frown deepening.

"Then what is?" She asked, frowning herself. He finally looked over at her.

"I'm not afraid anymore."

----------------

"Alec!" Max shook his shoulders roughly, trying to wake him up from the nightmare he was currently trapped in. This had been a common occurrence back in Seattle. She stepped back when he finally sat up.

"Alec?" She asked, keeping her distance until his eyes focused.

"Hey," he ran a hand through his hair.

"Hey." She sat down on the bed next to him. Hesitating only for a moment, she pulled her feet up and settled against the headboard. She knew that he would refuse if she asked what he'd been dreaming about so she settled for lying next to him. Neither of them spoke.

---------------

Max did not sleep that night. She stayed up, watching him well past when he fell back to sleep. She was learning something. He had been saying something in his sleep before she'd woken him up.

She didn't understand what it meant. Truthfully it could have meant anything. Just him yelling that he hadn't done anything wrong. It was odd.

It wasn't that she believed that Alec had done something wrong. Someone had held him, tortured him. Manticore was gone and Alec had said that it wasn't White who did this to him but it could have been someone else. Somebody else who knew that they existed.

--------------

The next day, Max made an effort to take Alec's mind off whatever had happened to him. She wasn't really sure at first how to do that. He was so quiet. Another thing that didn't fit with the picture she had painted of him before he had disappeared.

He'd been so cocky, confident. He'd talked and sometimes she had thought that he said some of the things he had specifically to piss her off. It wasn't really in her nature to do something like that.

Maybe it was how he got through it. So, she took him hiking through the woods and did what she thought he would have done if it had been her who had gone through what he did.

She thought that she had never talked so much to anyone. She told him the first movie she'd watched after escaping. She told him about the first time she'd heard music and why she had moved to Seattle.

She described her first day working at JamPony. Meeting Herbal, Sketchy, OC and Kendra. She explained how she had ended up living with Kendra and then Cindy.

"What about Terminal City?" Alec asked sometime later. She stopped, glancing over at him but he wasn't looking at her. She had purposefully tried to steer the conversation, or more like her own ramblings, away from anything Manticore. Wasn't an easy thing to do considering how her life was. She hesitated for a moment.

"We sort of set up shop there. The toxins there keep most of the ordinary people away. Joshua lives there now." He nodded with a frown.

"You told your friend about all this?" She frowned as well. Looks like she wasn't doing to good of a job at distracting him. She did want him to talk, though.

"Kinda had to. She sort of saw me doing some things that no normal person can do..."

"And she was okay with it? Why did you only tell her?" Max shrugged even though he didn't see it.

"I've never really told anyone when I didn't have to. Logan figured it out and OC saw me kick three guys asses that were about twice as big as me." She paused for a moment, studying him. "What about you? You ever think you'd tell anyone in the future?"

"Got nobody to tell." He said indifferently and then continued before she could say anything to that. "So, Logan and your friends? They're the reason you stayed here for so long?"

"Yeah, they are." She hesitated again. "Would you have stayed? If things had played out differently a year ago, would you have stayed?" He turned to her and for a moment he seemed to revert back to the guy she had known a year ago.

"For you? Of course I would have stayed." It only lasted a moment and then he turned away from her again and continued walking.

----------------

During the day, Max kept them both busy. Hiking or driving or something. There were brief moments when she thought that he was going to be okay, that he might be able to get over what had happened.

At night, nothing changed. He still had horrible nightmares and refused to talk about them. During the night was when she contemplated the fact that he might never get better.

---------------------

"I like going up there. It's a good place to think." Max said, glancing over at Alec from the drivers seat when he asked her about the Space Needle. "Why did you go up there?" He shrugged.

"I don't know. I just...needed a place to get away from all the people. A place that no one would find me."

"Yeah, but I found you," she pointed out. Alec looked over at her and shrugged again.

"I'm not unhappy about that." She nodded and then she frowned.

"You know, some people used to say that I was a bitch." Alec chuckled and Max was so surprised by the sound that she nearly drove into the ditch.

"So, what changed?"

"What do you think?" She asked softly, keeping her gaze on the road. When she glanced over at him after a few minutes, he'd settled down in the seat and she could see the trace of a small smile on his lips.

--------------

She almost made him forget. There were brief moments during the day when she was talking or they were just walking or sitting in the car in silence when he almost forgot everything that happened.

He was astounded at the fact that simply being around her could push the thoughts of all that away.

However, when the lights went out, when it was time to at least try to sleep, he always remembered. It was during the nighttime when he thought that he could never truly forget this, never truly be alright again.

-----------------

It had to of been one of his worst nightmares. Max had successfully woken him up but he hadn't recovered like he usually did, hadn't been able to quiet down right away.

"Alec..." Max sat on the bed beside him, noticing for the first time that he had been crying in his sleep. The sight was so disturbing that Max forgot her oath not to push him and reached out to grab his shoulders.

"Alec, what happened to you? Hey," she reached up to touch his face when he refused to look at her. "Please tell me. Tell me what they did to you. I can't help you if you don't tell me." Alec stared at her for a moment before he jerked away and stood up. He walked away from her swiftly but she followed, grabbing his arm before he could open the front door.

"Alec!" She spun him to face her. "Look, I am trying to help you but I need to know. I saw the scars on your back. Tell me." He finally looked her in the eyes.

"They didn't lay a finger on me, Max. They didn't have to." She frowned. That didn't make any sense.

"What?" He shook his head and started out again. Max blurred in front of him, covering the door. "Alec..." She watched as all the anger drained from his face and left him looking hollow, reminding her of the look he had given her when she had first found him.

"They made me relive it." He said it quietly, his voice defeated, dead. "Every day, I relived it." He gave her a humorless smile. "Happy now?" When he pushed her out of the way, she didn't resist and then he was out the door.


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry. I promise I didn't disappear again. Just been a little busy the past couple of weeks. Holidays and stuff...

-------------------

Max spent a little while pacing in the cabin, worried. She had the thought that maybe he needed some time to himself but had finally given up on that. He needed someone to be there, he'd been alone enough.

Finding him had been easy enough. He hadn't been really trying to hide from her, she guessed. He was sitting on a fallen tree in the woods, staring out. She hesitated a moment before sitting down next to him.

He said nothing for a few minutes and even got up and paced off before he did finally speak. He leaned against a tree and stared down. He looked so lost...she had a briefly vivid reminder of the last time she'd seen Ben.

"Alec, tell me what happened." He shook his head and finally looked up at her.

"You wouldn't understand." Max pushed down her anger.

"Try me."

"I can't. You left, remember?" Max stared at him, surprised.

"This is about Manticore." He shrugged and his expression went blank. He stared off and she wondered what he was seeing now. When he turned back to her and spoke again, his voice turned angry.

"You think life was rough when we were ten? A little schooling, a little brainwashing, some maneuvers outside? You think that was tough?"

"Sucked pretty hard." He laughed bitterly.

"Take it from me. Later on, it got a whole lot worse...but you did what you had to do. Then you tried to forget." He shrugged again. "I got real good at that, Max. Forgetting. Suppressing the more...unpleasant experiences in my life." Max wasn't sure what to say to that. This was going in a completely different direction than she thought it would.

"It was the only way that I survived without turning out like, well, _this._" He paused and met her gaze briefly. "Or like Ben."

"Ben was sick. I think...I think you're stronger than that, Alec. You wouldn't do the things he did." Alec laughed again and sank down to the ground.

"Why not? I've killed people before." Max shook her head.

"That was different." Max leaned forward. "Look, I may not know what it was like for you there after we escaped but I have seen what that place can do to a person."

"I almost killed you. I was planning on it."

"But you didn't. Don't you see? That's what really matters. Even though you knew you'd die, you couldn't go through with it anymore than I could let your head explode."

"I've killed people since then, Max." She nodded.

"The ones who did this to you? What did they do, exactly, Alec?" Alec stared down at his hands.

"I was always good at dealing, Max. I dealt with everything that happened at Manticore. I never used to think about it. The things I did while there, the things they did, I forced myself not to think about it. And when that didn't work, I forced myself to forget about it. _They _brought it all back up. All of it, everyday..."

"And the scars?" Alec shrugged and looked back up at her.

"I wasn't the only one they caught. It drove some of them insane and some weren't exactly stable to begin with." Max nodded.

"The anomalies in the basement? The ones that Manticore considered their failures. What happened to them?"

"When they found out that these ones weren't exactly controllable..." He trailed off. Max didn't need him to answer. She knew what would have happened. Manticore had only kept those ones around long enough for study. It wasn't exactly like they could take orders. They had too much of the animal instinct in them to.

"They put you all together?" Alec shrugged again. His expression was blank now.

"Turns out that was a mistake."

"Who were they? How did you get out?" Alec looked away and she saw that look in his eyes again, the one she'd seen out in the street when he'd attacked those cops.

"They underestimated me. What I would do." He turned to her abruptly and straightened to lift his shirt up. There was a very faint, almost gone, scar down his chest. Max stared at it, even reached out but he pulled back, let his shirt drop.

"It had to of been deep...I mean if it's still there. They do that?" Alec shook his head.

"I did." Max's eyes widened and she met his gaze. "There was something there, something they put inside of us...to keep us there."

"You cut it out?" Alec nodded. Max swallowed. The scar was jagged and she doubted whoever had him would have allowed him a knife.

"Who were they?" Max repeated. Alec shrugged again.

"What does it matter? Some other government that wanted to use us? Some independent group of criminals that wanted to? It doesn't matter. They're dead." He stood.

"Alec..."

"It doesn't help..." When he started away, she reached out and grabbed his wrist. She pulled him down to sit next to her.

"How did they do it, Alec?" He stared at her for a moment.

"Some drug." She nodded. Some drug. Something that had made him relive everything that had happened at Manticore over and over again, so he couldn't ignore it.

If she could think about it in another way, it was a good way to break them. They were all trained to withstand a great amount of torture. Anything else they could have done more than likely wouldn't have had this kind of effect.

Manticore, however...Alec had spent twenty years there. He'd survived but he'd just told her how he'd survived. When she thought about her worst memories, she thought she'd end up the same way.

The way she had snapped Ben's neck after he'd asked her to, the way that Zack had looked after she'd woken up in Manticore, Tinga lying dead in her arms, the way Eva had fallen backwards with a gun still in her hands, leaving Brin lying on that bench and knowing what would happen to her.

She didn't know if she'd survive seeing all that, again and again. A memory flashed of Alec's eyes after she'd found him. Of him staring up at her from her couch and telling her that she should have let him die. And, that, she realized was one of her worst memories too. She hated that look in his eyes.

She hated everything about this and hated the men who had done this, hated Manticore because really it was Manticore just as much as these unknown men who were all dead anyways. Alec brought her out of her thoughts when he pulled his hand away from hers. He let out a sigh.

"Guess all those therapists are wrong....talking about it doesn't really help." He stood and she let him go. She wasn't sure what she could say other than the fact that he hadn't really talked about it.

She wasn't sure she could get him to. Talking about what those people put him through was one thing but talking about what Manticore had put him through was completely different. She could understand it. There were things she never talked about...things she hadn't even told Logan.

She truly hadn't expected this to be about Manticore. She'd been bracing herself for what he would tell her. For some kind of horrible torture that they had put him through that was somehow worse than what he'd been through at Manticore.

She should have realized. It always came back to Manticore and she doubted that anyone could outdo them in the torture department. It didn't matter that they were gone now, that she had burned the place to the ground herself. They were still there, still ruining lives.

----------------

Over the next couple of days, Alec didn't talk to her. She wasn't sure what to do about it. She had thought that when he finally told her what had happened that she'd be able to help him better but it was like they had gone back. He had reverted back to the way he'd been when she'd first found him.

She talked to Cindy. She was staying away from Seattle longer than she expected but she could leave yet, couldn't force Alec back to the city yet. She avoided talking to Logan as much as possible. He wanted her to come back, couldn't understand why she wouldn't, why she couldn't just bring Alec back to the city with her and help him there.

She was afraid if they went back that he would just get worse. He'd be stuck in her apartment again if they went back and she wasn't willing to do that to him yet. She wasn't willing to believe that there wasn't some way that she could help him.

----------------

Max was cooking something for breakfast. She could cook some things...just not the more complicated stuff that Logan liked to make. She knew he was behind her before she turned around. She always knew. She could practically feel his presence now.

"You want something to eat?" He shrugged. "Coffee?" She pushed a cup towards him and he took it, staring down at it.

"Alec..." She'd been debating on what to say to him. Anything to get him talking to her again. When he looked back up at her, there was a flash of anger in his eyes. He knew what she was thinking. He didn't want to talk anymore.

"You know, I'm not that hungry." She let out a frustrated breath when he turned away and started towards the door.

"Alec, wait. Look, I know that I wasn't there. I know that I didn't go through what you did but I do have my own painful memories and I do know that it's better to have people around you that care." Alec turned back to her. He stood still for a moment before coming back over and leaning against the counter.

"You care?" She glared at him.

"You know I do." He nodded, studying her for a moment.

"Why?" Max hesitated.

"I don't know. I just know that I can't let you go unless I know you'll be alright."

"Why?" He repeated, tilting his head. "I'm not one of your brothers, Max. I'm not Logan. We weren't even friends before I left." Max was silent for a moment. She'd already asked herself this question before.

"I don't know." She repeated with a sigh. "But..." she hesitated again but maybe he needed to hear it. She'd do anything to bring him back to himself. "I don't know if I'd want you to leave even if I knew you'd be alright. I don't know if I actually did want you to leave back then." He nodded and actually smiled for a brief moment, even though it was a small one.

"It's nice that you care, Max and that you're telling the truth...but I just don't know if it's enough."

-------------

Max stood in Alec's doorway, hesitating. He was having another one of his nightmares. Not uncommon, he had them all the time now. After a moment she walked over.

She hesitated again but she had been thinking about what she'd told Alec for hours now, thinking about that time that he'd been away and she thought that she might have come up with a better answer.

An answer that had her getting into the bed now beside him and turning over so that she could wrap one arm around him. She knew when he tensed that he'd woken up but she simply held on to him tighter and after a few minutes he relaxed again.

She'd lied before. She did know for sure. She did not want him to leave. She wanted to hold on to him as long as she could and she would until she knew for a fact that he'd be okay on his own.


	8. Chapter 8

Okay, so I kind of fell out of writing for a while and I do feel really bad about never finishing this story. I had good reasons but now that I'm back I figured I should at least get this out.

Before, I'd kind of backed myself into a corner with this fic. Building up everything that was wrong with Alec and then I couldn't really figure out how I was going to make it better for him. I came up with this. Hope it's okay.

* * *

It took her two days. Two days to come up with a decision. After Alec's confession of what was wrong, she had been at a loss of how to help him deal.

Not dealing had always been her, and apparently Alec's, way of handling things. People could talk all they wanted about how hashing out what was wrong would make you feel better but that didn't always worked and she doubted that just talking about it would really help him.

She understood that. She'd never told anyone, not even Logan, some of the things that had happened in her past. She'd never been that good at comforting other people.

Two days of thinking left her with a couple of realizations, one of which she'd known the moment he had confessed, she just hadn't thought about it. She wouldn't leave him…and she'd give up almost anything to make sure he came out alright.

Coming to this conclusion was easier than it should be, at least for her. She hadn't been sure how she really felt about him but the more she thought about it, the clearer the picture got.

More and more, Alec was coming first in her mind. Before everyone, before Logan, even herself. She had put him up in her apartment, left Seattle, done everything she could without even thinking about it because not doing so was not an option.

Seeing him the way he was now, seeing the results of what Manticore had put him through had instantly wiped away any anger she'd still been holding onto for what he'd done when they first met.

She needed to see this through. Maybe it wasn't about talking about his past, at least not at first. Maybe he needed something else as well. Staying in Seattle sure wouldn't be doing him any good.

An idea formed. It was extreme and she knew what it would mean. Knew what she would possibly lose if she followed through with it. She debated with herself for too long about it.

Realizing that she needed to help him helped her realize that maybe she, well, she just needed him. She needed him in a way that she hadn't ever needed anyone in her life and that was what brought her to the decision in the end.

Everything became clear when she finally admitted that to herself, that she needed him, that she needed him to get better.

Hiding her own feelings, even to herself, had always been her way. It had taken her a year, after all, to admit her feelings about Logan. This time, though, that wasn't an option. Alec's situation had forced her not to do that this time.

She told Alec that she needed to go back into the city for a couple of hours. She'd gone to see Original Cindy first. That was a hard one but at least Cindy understood, in a way, why she had to do it. Joshua had been sad and she'd been dreading that conversation even more but he had seemed to understand as well and she was hit once again with how perceptive he could be at times.

She'd saved the hardest for last. She had to tell Logan.

* * *

"Hey," Max said, standing in the doorway. Logan looked up from his computer and smiled at her.

"Max," he said. She lingered in the doorway, hesitant and feeling a little bit guilty about why she had come here.

"How are you?" He asked after a moment and she finally came closer.

"I'm fine," she said a little awkwardly. She'd never felt this awkward in front of him but after everything that had happened…

"And Alec?" She saw that look in his eyes again, the same one she'd seen before leaving with Alec and she wondered if he wished that Alec had never come to town.

"He's…better," she said with a frown before sighing. "Well, he finally told me what was wrong, what happened to him."

"Really?" He didn't ask what it was.

"I think I have an idea of how to help him now."

"How?" As he asked the question, she saw it in his eyes. It was almost like he knew what she was going to say. She hesitated for a moment before blurting it out.

"I'm leaving. With him," she said, avoiding Logan's eyes. "I don't think staying in one place like this is helping and I can't bring him back into the city with everything that's going on. I think I need to do more than just get him to deal with his past. I was thinking if we really did go on the road, maybe see the country…" She trailed off and looked back at him. Logan was silent for a few moments.

"So, that's it? You're just going to give up everything? For him? Your job, your friends…" Me, his eyes clearly said.

"My job. It's just a job and not a great one either. I can get a new job. I already told OC and she understands. I'm not losing her. I'll see her again. Same with Joshua. And-" She cut herself off. She knew what Logan was really asking.

"You love him?" He asked quietly. She hesitated again. She had been prepared for that but it was still a hard thing to admit to him. She didn't want him waiting for something that would never happen, though.

"Yeah, I think I do," she finally said. "I'm sorry."

* * *

"Are you sure about this?" It had taken her a while to convince him of doing this. He already felt guilty from taking her away from the city in the first place.

"Yeah, I am," she said as they walked outside. The decision made and the admission of her feelings, even if she hadn't told Alec yet, had left her feeling lighter than she had in a long time.

"It'll still be there when we get back. Everything will be fine."

"You sure about that?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. She smiled at him.

"Course I am," she said, reaching out for his hand as they walked to the car. They would be alright. She saw a spark of something in her eyes as he stared at her, something that she knew was in her own.

He'd be alright because she wouldn't settle for anything else. She couldn't now. She knew it would take a while but she also felt more hopeful now than she had since he'd shown up in Seattle again.

It didn't matter how long it took. The next time they showed up in Seattle, they would come back together. She knew it.


End file.
